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"Difficult conversations can make or break a connection.
When you add preconceived notions, assumptions, and negative narratives to the mix, you create the perfect recipe for misunderstanding and disconnection. What could have been an opportunity for learning, growth, and deeper understanding can quickly turn sour.
We’ve all been guilty of assuming we know better—of believing we understand someone’s thoughts, intentions, or reasons. We place ourselves in their shoes, but instead of truly walking in them, we take control of the conversation’s direction, convinced that our version of events is the right one.
Except when it isn’t.
Leading with assumptions almost always leads to a dead end.
Today’s newsletter explores how intentional curiosity can heal the harm caused by assumptions and offers practical ways to break free from the internal narratives that keep people at arm’s length.
Where Do Assumptions Come From?
The mind craves certainty because it provides the illusion of security. When we lack evidence, the brain works overtime, piecing together half-truths to create stories that aren’t entirely accurate—stories that were never ours to construct. In moments of emotional survival, the brain may even fill in the gaps with familiar narratives, not because they’re true, but because they feel safer than the unknown.
The tendency to assume is heightened when your coping mechanisms are rooted in fear, past pain, or unresolved trauma—when the need for safety feels urgent.
The deeper we delve into our mind’s story, the narrower our awareness becomes, along with our willingness to gather other details and perspectives. This lack of openness shrinks our window of understanding—often when understanding is needed most, especially for those we love.
Assumptions awaken the very fears they seek to confirm.
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Assumption: “I figured you didn’t respond right away because you had better things to do than talk to me.”
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Fears affirmed: “I’m unworthy.” “They don’t care about me.” “I’m all alone.”
At their core, assumptions are the mind’s way of seeking protection. But instead of keeping us safe, they often keep us stuck. They build walls where bridges can be formed, create distance where understanding can flourish, and reinforce the very insecurities we long to escape.
Recognizing that assumptions are not facts but placeholders for the unknown gives us back our power—the power to question, clarify, and connect.
The antidote to assumption isn’t certainty—it’s curiosity. The willingness to pause instead of conclude. To ask rather than assume. To listen beyond the noise of our own narratives. Only then can we step out of the shadows of our fears and into the clarity of true understanding.
More Assumptions = Less Awareness
Assumptions turn partners into strangers because we stop seeing them for who they are and start seeing them through the lens of who we fear they might be.
More than just missed opportunities to connect and heal, assumptions breed resentment. When we create a narrative about someone’s behaviour that validates our pain, fear, or past trauma, we can’t help but be triggered by them—and, in turn, resent them. Assumptions shaped by the past pull us out of the present, distorting our perception of who we’re engaging with and what’s actually unfolding. Like triggers, assumptions trick the heart, mind, and body into reacting as if an old wound is happening now—even when it’s not.
Over time, these unchecked assumptions act like emotional filters, colouring every interaction. Instead of responding to reality, we react to the story we’ve built in our minds.
This creates a cycle where assumptions fuel misunderstandings, misunderstandings spark conflict, and conflict reinforces the very assumptions that started it all. It’s a self-perpetuating loop that narrows our emotional bandwidth, making it harder to empathize, harder to communicate, and ultimately, harder to love with an open heart." -Vex King
https://open.substack.com/pub/vexking/p/the-silent-relationship-killer?r=650yk&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email
